I do not think I am overstating when I say that I have handled having an inexplicable, wildly fluctuating, baffling and mysterious disabling disorder with a fair bit of levelheaded calm. Panache, even. Style. (My wheels and my crutches are sa-WEET.)

This is not how I’m handling my concussion. Not at all.

I wonder. Is it because this is Just One More Thing? Is it because I am a big whiny baby? Is it the constant pain? I am unaccustomed to constant pain.

It is almost funny that this small thing — this temporary thing — has left me bowled over and terrified that I will lose my job, my friendships, my vocation; whereas MS is no big deal.

Or it would be funny if I did not find myself in tears of self pity when I see bicyclists on the road. Self-pity is not a good color on me. It does not suit.

Published by haddayr

Writer, parent, cripple, queer; worker, dancer. City dweller. Bicyclist. I love whiskey, tea, and cussing.

8 thoughts on “Ill-suited

  1. re: More than One More Thing, the concussion may have injured the very part of your brain which enabled you to keep your balance on the rolling MS seas: not only proprioception but also emotional resilience. Can’t expect to sing lovely with a broken nose. So to speak. Not that I want to break anything. Really. :,)

    re: Saying goodbye to lost skills. It takes a while. When I started losing essential things: first I didn’t believe it, then buckets of misery tears, finally “what I used to do” joined the same category as “primary school.” Interesting, educational, formative, and over.

  2. Perhaps it is BECAUSE it is temporary. You just want to be done with it and get on with your life already. Whereas knowing that your disability is with you for the long haul forces you to accept it, embrace it, make it a part of your life. I wonder if, were you to look back at the early days of MS, when you didn’t know what it was or if it might go away, you might find some of the same frustrations?

  3. “Concussion” in German is “Gehirnerschütterung”. “Gehirn” is “brain”. “Erschütterung” is cognate with “shuddering”, so that the word, in typical Teutonic literalness, means brainshaking or brainshookness; but the most common meaning of “Erschütterung” is emotional: the profound dismay, being riven to the core, caused by grief — an online German dictionary gives as the first definition, “die tiefe Bestürzung…” — which suggests a violent plunge into bottomless chasms.

    Feel better sweetheart.

  4. Ditto Jesse’s first paragraph. And, first, you will get better, and second, even addled, you’ve got at least three times the awesome of the average bear. Your friends aren’t going anywhere. Silly!

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