A lot of people in this life figure out who they are without having kids. Most of them do, I’m guessing.

I am not one of those people.

12 years ago today, I met you. And I met myself. Thank you for showing me the best person I could be. And the worst person, as well.

In any case, I am finally the me I was supposed to be, and I owe it all to you and your little brother. But you — you are the one who taught me to be a mom. Who taught me to be my true self.

With enormous gratitude,
Your mom

GREAT profile of the lovely artist Eddie Hamilton as well as his project with disabled people called The Shadows Project. And I’m in it, too!

So, a day or two ago I shared a Tracey Spicer TED talk in which she goes on an on about how much more productive women would be if we weren’t held to ridiculous beauty standards and didn’t spend so much time on them. I made some wry comment about how judging from myself I don’t think women would be doing much more than fighting even more with strangers on the Internet.

Folks responded at length, and I realized that I had more to say about this: I think women get enough shit from society without getting EVEN MORE SHIT for being girly, which honestly is what I sort of felt like she was doing. (I will admit I did not have the patience to watch it all; her endless litany of self-loathing at the beginning for merely working out and putting on makeup and support hose was too offputting for me. Perhaps she later gets more compassionate toward other women like her. EDIT: a friend who actually watched it all says: “The end of the video is about self awareness and mindful choice of what rituals of feminine conformity are worth it.” Great! I am truly glad to hear this. I still think the intro to the video, and the reams of other femme-shaming stuff out there, is a problem.)

I know there is much more pressure on women in other professions to meet a beauty standard than on freelance writers. This is a real problem.

But one of the examples she gave was that it takes the average woman 27 minutes to get ready for work in the morning. Um. It takes me way longer than that, and all I have to do is shower, slather goo on my face and in my hair, throw on some possibly dirty jeans and a Tshirt, eat, and drink tea. If women are doing this amazing other regimen she describes in 27 minutes, hats off to them! Maybe she’s right and a woman with that sort of ruthless efficiency of movement WOULD be able to take over the world with that time added to her day. I have no idea. I am not one of those women.

I guess I just want to say this: femininity is as genuine, real, and lovable as masculinity. Femmes are GORGEOUS, smart, and celebratory of who they are as people. One of my favorite femmes is also wicked good with power tools and carpentry (oh hai Dena Landon Stoll). Many of them are also queer as fuck.

Women who really enjoy the ritual and sensual pleasures of grooming should not be made to feel as if they are somehow less because of this. It pisses me off.

Because it feels so good when I stop!

What this Minnesota winter does to you: I anxiously asked the guy in the market: “will the fish be okay in my trunk for a few hours?”

He laughed. “It’s below freezing out!” he said, and I didn’t believe him until I looked it up. I was certain it was at LEAST 40 degrees out. (It’s 20).

by Alan DeNiro

This weekend, the finalists for the 26^th annual Minnesota Book Awards were released. As with most other years, I wonder if this is going to be a year when the pattern is broken. But it’s not.

What is that pattern? There have been only two books of adult fiction nominated over the last decade that could be considered science fiction, fantasy or more broadly non-realistic: Alicia Conroy’s nontraditional short story collection Lives of Mapmakers in 2007, and Lois McMaster Bujold’s high fantasy novel Paladin of Souls in 2004.

That’s it. And that’s a problem.

It’s a problem because the Minnesota Book Awards presents a skewed version of  the literary culture in the state, and goes forth with events, celebrations and resources (such as grants to bring MBA winners to libraries) that ignore any books that aren’t in the here-and-now. Even the Popular Fiction/Genre category of the award, which should be a mix of (as the eligibility requirements note) “mystery, detective, fantasy, romance, graphic novel, and science fiction”, is almost every year composed strictly of mysteries and thrillers.

Of course, literary realism is its own genre, full of its own conventions and meta-structures. Which is not an indictment against it; however, seeing realism as the only game in town (or the state) is toxic for the literary health of a community. It privileges one form of storytelling as a default mode of expression against which all others should measure.

Read the rest at Goblin Mercantile Exchange.

I’m The Duke University Freshman Porn Star And For The First Time I’m Telling The Story In My Words

What she is saying here is SO important. The fact that xoJane had to close comments is SO telling.

There are a million quotable bits in this but I will restrict myself to two:

The most striking view I was indoctrinated with was that sex is something women “have,” but that they shouldn’t “give it away” too soon -– as though there’s only so much sex in any one woman, and sex is something she does for a man that necessarily requires losing something of herself, and so she should be really careful who she “gives” it to.

 

The prevailing societal brainwashing dictates that sexuality and sex “reduce” women, whereas men are merely innocent actors on the receiving end. By extension, our virginity or abstinence has a bearing on who we are as people — as good people or bad people, as nice women or bad women.

Women’s ability to be moral actors is wholly dependent on their sexuality. It is, honestly, insane.

AND

To the anti-pornography feminists out there: I very much respect your opinion. Nevertheless, I want you to consider how you marginalize a group of women by condemning their actions. Consider that when you demean women for participating in sex work, you are demeaning THEM, and consequently, YOU become the problem.

 

Please do not continue to make the mistake you have made in the past of ignoring the voices of minority communities. Listen. Listen to the women who have for so long been silenced. Listen to their thoughts and their needs. Only then can we achieve solidarity and true progress within our movement.