Youngest demanded that I pretend to chop his head off tonight and I obliged — both because I am the best mom in the entire universe and also because I kind of wanted to kill him because it’s 11 at night and he and his brother would NOT FUCKING CHILL OUT and go to SLEEP.
If I have ONE PARENT on the jury I will be acquitted, I said.
ME: Chop, chop, chop.
YOUNGEST: Well, at least I didn’t get aHEAD of the situation.
ELDEST: Ha ha! DEAD on, man. DEAD on.
You are no longer my children, I said, closing the door. You are no longer my children.