Category Archives: Parenting

Dear Bitter Butch: How Do I Cope After the Election?

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Dear Bitter Butch,

The fallout from this election is causing personal emotions similar to those I felt when the family rallied to support a sexual predator and to turn me out. Any advice?

– Triggered

Dear Bitter Butch,

I have neighbors in my very rural, agricultural little neck of the woods, who work on farms and who are Hispanic. I’m not totally sure where they’re from. . . . So I’m trying to figure out the best thing to do for/say to them. I want to see if they’re ok and let them know they have my support...

– Wants to help

Dear Bitter Butch,

How do I explain these election results to my kids? I feel like the schoolyard bully has just been made principal.

– Worried Mom

Dear Bitter Butch,

How do I fix the world?

– Wondering

Dear Fellow Citizens,

For the majority of us who are not white supremacists eager to keep this country safe for the white man but absolutely no one else, this election has brought up a lot of old trauma . . .  Read the full letters and my answer at bitterempire.com.

My Confession

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Youngest demanded that I pretend to chop his head off tonight and I obliged — both because I am the best mom in the entire universe and also because I kind of wanted to kill him because it’s 11 at night and he and his brother would NOT FUCKING CHILL OUT and go to SLEEP.
 
If I have ONE PARENT on the jury I will be acquitted, I said.
 
ME: Chop, chop, chop.
YOUNGEST: Well, at least I didn’t get aHEAD of the situation.
ELDEST: Ha ha! DEAD on, man. DEAD on.
punningdog
 
You are no longer my children, I said, closing the door. You are no longer my children.

The Nobility of Motherhood

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whileImreading

ffs why do you always start fighting over something when i’m reading

What I want to do:
Sit around on the couch, farting happily, and drinking more cider.

What I am going to do:
Go to the goddamned grocery store and buy a stupid ice cream cake.

Motherhood is nothing but sacrifice.

Subject of a Study

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tongsÉiden just bought himself an ENORMOUS pair of 10-inch tongs for feeding Bearded Dragons.

I was lying around in bed reading when he approached me and immediately grasped the fabric of my T-shirt in the tongs, which look like novelty tweezers.

“This species is an anomaly that continues to make for a very interesting study,” he said in David Attenborough’s accent.

“As you can see, the Wild Haddayr has a very interesting anatomy with extra quantities of loose skin that serve no function whatsoever.”

“And another interesting bit of anatomy,” he went on, gripping the flesh of one of my knuckles, “you can see the wrinkled flesh.” He shook it gently, turning my hand over deftly. “The Haddayr also spends great amounts of its time sniffing children with no obvious evolutionary purpose whatsoever.”

“And this evolutionary disadvantage is one that has baffled scientists for centuries,” he intoned, grabbing my earrings with astounding speed and dexterity. “Why would a Haddayr pierce its own flesh with bands of metal?”

He grabbed my sleeve again with the pincers and pulled it up.

“And why would it stab itself over and over with needles dipped in dye, forever marking it so that it stands out in the foliage?”

“This species,” he continued with as much dignity as he could muster as I began to fight back, “is especially difficult to study as it uses its fingers to viciously tickle the scientists.”

“This species spends most of its time peering into a computer screen, typing lies about various computer programs and products, and how good they are,” he concluded. “This also serves no evolutionary advantage whatsoever.”

Scoffing, my observer and social commentator rose from the bed and went downstairs to his dinner.

The Minneapolis School Board did NOT Vote to approve changes to the autism program last night.

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nothing-about-usKARE 11 reported it incorrectly and now it’s been picked up by the Star Tribune and AP, so even though KARE 11 has changed the story and say they will talk about it tonight on air the damage has been done.

Here’s what actually happened:

Those in charge of the autism program in MPS decided to move forward with changes that, in my opinion, would dilute autism services very drastically for kids coded Federal Level 1 or 2 with ‘milder forms of autism’ (a phrase I find hilarious. Arie was one of those kids and flipped desks and hit teachers and knocked over bookshelves. Nothing mild about that.).

They would also cause autism preschool class sizes to increase by 33%. That’s HUGE.

As of now, these changes are happening despite no notification to parents or students, or public discussion, or anything.

Parents have only learned of this through word of mouth, and we and a few of our kids descended en masse (along with some kick-ass people fighting cops in the schools, who appeared to receive no coverage at all. Is it because most of them were black and most of us were white?) on a School Board meeting to voice our desire to have a special session to talk about this.

That is it. That is all. No vote.

Kirkus Review of LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER: THE BOOK

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9780399169854It’s a pretty sweet review!

In part:

For a collection of writings with an ostensibly narrow focus, the range of material is impressive. A first grader collapses, and the medical tests offer no conclusions. A teenager, worried about becoming pregnant, finds an unexpected ally in her own mother, who says, “If you get pregnant, don’t get married because then you’re making two mistakes instead of one.” Daughters that hate pink; a mother’s rage at being left behind by a husband on deployment; tiny tots, their eyes aglow, eating the tiny slips of paper mother wrote her daily gratitude on—these and countless other experiences demonstrate the wide range of the ups and downs of parenting.

The essays are short, which enables the book to cover a lot of ground, but they also pack a strong emotional punch—and they’re almost certain to leave any mother feeling less alone.

Take a look.